🗣 Why Small Talk Is Overrated (And What to Do Instead)
The Anti-Small Talk Playbook
👋 Happy Saturday, my dear UX friends, Marina here!
When UX career decisions weigh on you and time is ticking, getting clear, actionable, personalized advice fast can make all the difference!
Today, I want to share a snippet from my recent conversation with a student:
Student: I just got back from that UX leadership summit you recommended. The content was amazing, but I felt soooo awkward during the breaks.
Me: Why awkward?
Student: Everyone seemed so comfortable just... chatting. About nothing! Weather, traffic, where they're from. I tried to join in but felt like I was reading from a script. My manager keeps telling me I need to work on these "soft skills" if I want to advance, but honestly, I dread these networking situations.
Me: So it's the “small talk” that made you feel awkward?
Student: Exactly! You know that I'm pretty introverted and find superficial conversations so incredibly draining. I can talk for hours about information architecture or research methods, but ask me to make small talk and my mind goes blank. Is this going to hold my career back? Do I just need to practice more?
Me: What if I told you that getting better at small talk isn't actually what you need?
Student: Wait, really? But everyone says networking is critical for career growth in UX…
Me: Networking is, but small talk isn't! Networking and small talk aren’t the same thing! Understanding that might change how you approach it entirely.
Student: I'm listening...
Here's the thing, the conventional advice about "just practicing more" or "having prepared questions" misses something crucial.
The problem ISN’T that you may be bad at small talk.
The problem IS that you're TRYING to do small talk in the first place.
Let me share some unconventional approaches that have worked for my more introverted mentees who've gone on to lead major UX departments - without ever becoming "networking naturals."
🚨 The Anti-Small Talk Playbook
1️⃣ Skip “Small” and Go “Medium”
Small talk feels empty because... it is.
It's designed to be safe, superficial, and utterly forgettable.
Try this instead: Skip straight to “medium talk”.
I call this the "Meaningful Minimalist" approach:
❌ Instead of: "How's the weather where you are?"
✅ Try: "What's the most interesting problem you're working on right now?"
❌ Instead of: "Been to any good conferences lately?"
✅ Try: "Which UX trend you think is overrated?"
Here's the magic:
Medium talk requires fewer empty words but creates stronger connections.
It's actually easier for introverts because the conversation has substance from the start.
A old mentee of mine tested this at a UX meetup.
While others discussed the venue and traffic, she asked a senior designer she found herself standing next to: "What's one assumption in our field you think deserves to be challenged?"
That 5-second question led to a 20-minute conversation and eventually, a new job opportunity!
2️⃣ The “Strategic Silence” Method
Most networking advice focuses on “what to say”.
But what about the power of not speaking?
Try this:
Practice comfortable silence. Count to 3 before responding to questions.
This does 3 powerful things:
It gives you time to formulate thoughtful responses
It creates space for others to elaborate (people hate silence!)
It positions you as the thoughtful observer rather than the anxious participant
A former student implemented this at a design leadership dinner.
Instead of scrambling to contribute, he practiced strategic silence.
In the end, the executives started specifically asking for his opinion, perceiving his restraint as wisdom ;)
When he did speak, his comments carried more weight because they weren't diluted by nervous chatter.
3️⃣ The “Curiosity Curator” Technique
Here's a radical idea:
Stop trying to be INTERESTING and focus entirely on being INTERESTED.
Before any networking event:
Prepare 3-5 genuinely curious questions about others' work
Make your goal to learn something specific, not to "network"
Take mental notes on connections between people's challenges
A UX leader I coached transformed his approach in this exact way.
At conferences, instead of dreading small talk, he became a "curiosity curator," (his words, not mine ;) collecting insights about UX challenges across industries.
Not only did this shift his focus from self-consciousness to genuine interest, but it also positioned him as someone who deeply understands cross-industry UX patterns.
After each conference he attended, his LinkedIn inbox started filling with messages like: "Thanks for your thoughtful questions yesterday. You really got me thinking about our approach..."
4️⃣ The Contrarian's Advantage
Warning:
This technique requires courage and nuanced social awareness - but it's the fastest route to being memorable.
Most small talk is agreeable to a fault.
It's boring because everyone's nodding along.
Try this instead: Respectfully disagree more often.
I'm not talking about being difficult, but rather offering a thoughtfully different perspective:
"That's interesting. I've actually found the opposite in my work. Can I share why?"
This approach:
Makes conversations instantly more engaging
Shows you have conviction and independent thought
Creates memorable interactions (people remember those who respectfully challenge them)
A mentee who led a major redesign project at the time, used this approach when networking with stakeholders. While everyone nodded along with conventional UX wisdom, she'd offer alternative viewpoints backed by her experience.
Did it make everyone immediately love her? Nope. But it made the right people respect her, which proved far more valuable for her career trajectory.
🔥 The Implementation Framework
Here's how to put these approaches into practice:
The 2-1-0 Method
Ask 2 medium-depth questions
Share 1 relevant insight from your experience
Make 0 generic small talk statements ;)
The Knowledge-First Approach
Enter conversations to learn, not to impress
Take actual notes (yes, this is allowed and makes you look engaged!)
Follow up with a specific reference to what you learned
The “Genuine Connection” Filter
Aim for 2-3 meaningful connections instead of 20 business card exchanges
Schedule focused 1:1 follow-ups instead of trying to "work the room"
Give yourself permission to leave when you've reached your meaningful connection quota
🔥 What This Looks Like in Practice
I recently watched one of my mentees - an introverted UX researcher - navigate a packed industry event using these principles.
Instead of awkwardly floating between groups making weather comments, she:
Positioned herself near the speakers' table (strategic location)
Asked targeted questions about research methodologies (medium talk)
Listened intently and took notes on her phone (strategic silence)
Respectfully offered alternative interpretations of research findings (contrarian advantage)
Left after making 3 solid connections, skipping the "social hour" entirely (connection filter)
Three weeks later, she was invited to collaborate on a research initiative with one of the industry leaders she'd met.
Her manager, who had been concerned about her "networking skills," was stunned by the outcome!
Your Challenge This Week
Pick just ONE technique from this newsletter to implement at your next meeting or event:
Prepare three "medium talk" questions that bypass small talk entirely
Practice strategic silence—count to 3 before responding
Focus exclusively on being interested, not interesting
Respectfully disagree with conventional wisdom (when you genuinely do)
The goal isn't to transform into an extrovert.
It’s just to connect meaningfully while honoring your introvert nature.
Many of the influential UX leaders I know aren't social butterflies! They're simply thoughtful connectors who've turned their introversion into a strategic advantage.
Your introversion isn't a barrier to career advancement, it's could your greatest differentiator in a room crowded with superficial networkers.
As always, I'd love to hear which technique resonates most with you. Hit reply and let me know how it goes!
See you next Saturday!
UX Mentor Diaries helps UXers become (and remain) successful and influential through quick tips, in-depth guidance and personal experience stories. Become a Premium Subscriber for just $9.99 a month or $99 for the whole year and unlock every article and resource in the archive (+ more benefits) + even more benefits coming in 2025 ↴
📌 A few more ways I can help you ↴
Upgrade your subscription to the “UX Career Boost” tier (if you haven’t yet) to get a complimentary 1:1 UX career coaching session tailored to your life and career aspirations
To all my existing “UX Career Boost” level subscribers, thank you very much for being here ❤️
Get my free "How to Build Strategic UX Influence" framework and learn 4 easy-to-follow steps for gaining recognition and positioning yourself as an indispensable asset.
Follow me on LinkedIn for proven UX career strategies.
If you aspire to become a UX mentor, check my book on Amazon.